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See I have these adoption yahoo’s who sit at a table in my head and when I get tired, run down or just having a plain old bad day - they start to chatter like squirrels in an argument over nuts. No, it is not schizophrenia – thank you very much. It is more like a bunch of people arguing their point; who I have affectionately named: Rejection, Abandonment, and Sabotage, Unworthy, Confused, Identity, and Betrayed.
Usually Abandonment and Rejection lead the meeting by creating negative situations or scenarios within my mind. Then Sabotage takes a hold of those feelings and runs wild with it, while Unworthy and Betrayed press and encourage their point. Confused and Identity are more on the quiet side because they really don’t know who they are, so it’s hard for them to speak up.
If I am really exhausted they are very annoying and very loud! People driving next to me must think I am totally crazy, because in order for me to stop the ciaos in my mind I have to scream out for them to Shut Up! and get out of my head. Then as they quiet like scolded kids in a time out…I tell them, “thank you for your input, it no longer serves me and I will now replace you with kinder, gentler thoughts.” Like: Love, Forgiveness, Understanding, Compassion, Faith, Inspiration, and Kindness.
For years I was haunted by difficult thought patterns. Until I became aware of why they are and what triggers these specific emotions. My boyfriend can tell me he doesn’t want chicken for dinner and it can set my mind reeling. “He doesn’t love me, he’s going to break up with me, I’m a horrible cook, and he’s going to leave me because he doesn’t want chicken tonight.”
Everything I felt in my cellular abyss would come out in my intimate relationships. When the relationship ended, instead of moving on, I would feel so abandoned and rejected, I would go to thoughts of suicide and on a couple occasions try.
Not to mention, I would attract the same guy over and over. The one who couldn’t love me, the one who cheated and lied, the one who didn’t love himself and projected his stuff on me = all of them where mirror images of just how much I didn’t love myself or value who I truly was. Enabling me to play the victim in every relationship.
See, within these crazy adoption issues is a vicious circle. How do I value myself when I don’t know who I am? How can I love myself when the person who is suppose to love me the most gives me away? The response you most often hear is: “They did it out of love,” or “they made the ultimate sacrifice and wanted a better life for you.” And when you are a person, like me, who at the age of three was told what a pretty little girl I was…I replied with, “...no I’m not, I’m adopted...” Therefore, the “ultimate sacrifice” and “out of love” thing isn’t going to fly. So, my teenage years were tough…and my young adulthood even tougher.
And without going into how I played the victim most of my life and searched for my sense of self, what I know for sure is thus: Creating a foundation to build your life on is all choice and faith. If I wake up in the morning and decide I’m going to have a bad day, then my life will reflect it. If I wake up each morning grateful to be alive and in the graces of God, then my life will reflect it. If I want to make my life better by just talking about it...it ain’t going to happen. If I want to make my life better and take action – my life will soar because I decided to create movement and healing.
Sometimes I feel like I have to fight a little harder than most because of this unruly committee. Daily, I work the affirmations, I constantly stay optimistic, I’ve learned to let go [A LOT]…knowing if the conscious feelings and the subconscious feelings don’t match…the Law of Attraction just ain’t going to work…ya know? I’m a work in progress…I have learned to become aware through trial and error. I’ve learned to live in compassion instead of fear. I’ve learned wisdom to overcome obstacles I created. I’ve learned to listen and become aware of my emotions and feelings and what is being triggered. It’s a full time job dude!
Nonetheless, I refuse to live in constant ciaos…constant victim hood. Robbing myself of a happy life because somewhere deep inside there is a dark and lonely glob of goo that doesn’t want success, happiness, love and affection. To constantly put into motion a seed of self discovery and change.
I’m sure I will be plagued with some sort of mind freak stuff…I’m human, who doesn’t have doubts and concerns and lions and tigers and bears – OH MY…? The secret is mind over matter. To watch word patterns – thought patterns – taking action in your own life.
Life doesn’t have me….I have life!
Trish Lay is a Professional Life/Leadership Coach. For more information visit her website at: www.SoulsAtPlayProductions.com. Or contact her directly at:
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